Help! The aged!

This is Beryl and Ted who I had the misfortune of sitting by on my recent coach trip to Bridgport (for a failed audition for Dai Another Day). At first I welcomed their attention on what was scheduled to be a very long journey, charming and friendly and on their way to visit their grandson Peter Andre (not the Peter Andre, but apparently the boy’s mum insists on both his Christian names being used). It was during this getting to know you stage that I took this snap. I should’ve guessed they weren’t your average couple when Ted refused to look directly at the camera in case the old Indian belief was true and his soul would be stolen. Just outside Milton Keynes I began to wish I’d stuck to my Harold Robbins. It turns out Beryl and Ted were the original swingers and Beryl holds the South Kent record for the most ping pong balls in one…er…afternoon, ahem. She began flirting outrageously with me and showing me her impression of a dead heat in a zeppelin race, much to the disapproval of the Notting Hill Crown Green Ladies Euro Tour who were trying to get a game of reg plate bingo going. I managed to get the subject off sex by bamboozling Beryl with talk of Twitter, Facebook and all things up-to-the-minute. She was dead keen and wanted me to get her a profile up and running. I nonchalantly suggested I’d sort her out when I got back to London, but a hitherto silent Ted misinterpreted this and when Beryl popped off to “lay a cable” in the onboard loo, he leaned over to me and said, with an assurance that suggested this wasn’t the first time he’d said it, “You’ll need a plank tied to your arse son, she’s a fanny like a wizard’s sleeve that one” This left me speechless largely due to the fact that I had been sick in my mouth.