I could've been a contender

Sorry to have been off comms for so long. Where to begin vis-à-vis an explanation? Unsurprisingly my agent, Bernie Shimshelwitz, was at the bottom of it since it was him that invited me round to his gaff for a go on his new Nintendo Wii while Mrs S was out picketing the abattoir dressed as a cow with a placard saying ‘Humane? – I Heffer Disagree’ – we’re worried about her sanity of course, but, as Bernie rightly says, it gets her out of the house and away from Diagnosis Murder. Anyway, Bernie was well excited about his new toy and wanted me to try all of his 30 games. I was less than impressed to begin with since the first game was called ‘All Star Angling’ during which I spent an hour and a half on a virtual riverbank with George Peppard humming Moon River. All I was instructed to do was to hold me controller (or ‘doof’ as Bernie calls it) out in front of me and keep quiet – not great entertainment. I was enjoying the boxing one though until an over vigorous combination sent me crashing to the canvas with the recurrence of an old sciatica problem. (Bernie insisted on finishing his ten count before seeing if I was ok) The problem was so bad that I ended up in A & E being fitted for an orthopaedic shoe with a 6 inch sole. To make matters worse I was due in Edinburgh the same afternoon for an audition for a new spoof hospital drama called ‘Nevermind the Bloodclots’. I was short of time to catch my flight from Stansted and the site of me hobbling across the concourse with a club foot like Bambi on ice was enough to convince the airport authorities that I was the next shoe bomber. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the boxing manoeuvre that twanged my sciatic nerve like a cheap strippers thong, also resulted in me not being able to talk. You see I’d thrown a haymaker at Joe Calzaghe only to miss and put my back out whilst simultaneously knocking my own from teeth out with my doof. Cut to me then trying to explain all this to Customs in a mumbled language not one of us could understand and it’s no surprise I’ve been in their custody for nearly three weeks.
All’s well that ends well though and I managed to clear my name once I regained the power of speech and as I write this I’m sitting quietly next to a cyber Dwight Schultz, doof lolling quietly in the palm of my hand.