Friday, 19 December 2008
I’ve taken on some unlikely roles in my many years in the business, but rarely have I stooped lower than when my agent, Bernie Shimshelwitz, persuaded me to play Andy Garcia’s arse double in the, straight to DVD bargain bin, debacle ‘Things To Do In Devon Then Instead’. Now Garcia has a famously hirsute chest and back (see here) but, strangely, this does not extend to his backside which resembles Grant Mitchell having his way with Gail Porter. Enter Harrison Banks then for the not so hilarious “Quick-pull-up-your-pants-my-grandson’s-home” scene. Now I’m quite proud of my bum, which has been likened to two boiled eggs in a mohair sock, but I could’ve done without the constant sniggering of the crew and a director who kept insisting I was coiffeured between takes because “There’s just no way Mr Garcia would have a centre parting.”
More humiliation followed at the wrap party when I had to drop me cords and take a bow before Andy even recognised me.
What goes around comes around though as I was the only cast member to get a decent review.
Tuesday, 16 December 2008
Friday, 12 December 2008
Wednesday, 10 December 2008
Wednesday, 3 December 2008
I’ve been trying to give up smoking recently. First I tried the cold turkey approach, but the mayonnaise was making me fat. Next my agent, Bernie Shimshelwitz, booked me a course of acupuncture at the ‘A Friend In Knead’ massage and beauty parlour. I’d been there before for a head massage (see here) so I wasn’t expecting much. Just as well cos when Mr Bleedin’ Miagi had finished with me I looked like that geezer from Hellraiser. He left a pin sticking out from behind my ear the idea being that, every time I fancied a smoke, I was to give it a tweak and the craving would be replaced by a feeling of calm and fulfilment. Not quite what I experienced when, on my moped on the way home from the first session, I sneezed into my crash helmet and stabbed myself in the jaw at the same time, which sent me skidding, knee-cap first, into a belisha beacon. Once I’d scraped my Honda C50 off the zebra crossing I hobbled straight into Fourbuoys for 10 Camel Lights.
Bernie’s next trick was to sneak up on me while I dozed in my hospital bed and cover me in those nicotine elastoplast things. He calls them my acupuncture repair kit. His heart’s in the right place I s’pose.