Strictly Cum Dancing

In an effort to keep my mind off chinning cigs I decided to join my local Biodanza class. For those of you in the not know Biodanza is a dance fusion that aims to reconnect you with life and sexual being. Basically it’s like dirty dancing for the over 40’s. The first lesson didn’t exactly go well, I was paired up with Diane from Pinner, a right munter, breath like Iams and a face like a farmer’s arse. Our first routine was ominously called ‘The anal splice’ which involved me frenetically rubbing up against Diane’s bottom whilst we stumbled around the dance floor like two Bedouin wrestlers. If I’d have known this frottage was going to create so much friction I never would’ve worn my wide groove corduroys as, unbeknown to Diane, a small fire broke out in her rump region and the next thing I knew she was being foamed down by the appointed fire officer. Luckily the panic that spread through the rest of the dancers allowed me to attend to my lazy lob, I was reminded of Kings of Leon's ‘Sex on fire’ but not in a good way. I stopped off at Superdrug on the way home and bought some nicotine patches and a tube of Germolene.