How does Michael Phelps do it?

My agent, Bernie Shimshelwitz, has been trying to keep my profile up by getting me to do some local appearances while things are quiet. Recently he managed to get hold of one of those brand new ‘Shark Suit’ swimming cozzies they’re all wearing at the Olympics, and it was Bernie’s idea that I should try it on and put it to the test at the local lido. Well, my ban from the lido expired last month (see here) so, I was well up for it. What they don’t tell you about those suits though is that they take even the elite swimmers of the world up to half an hour to get into. Cut to me hopping around the unisex changing area, in tears, two and a half hours after getting me first foot into it. The (small but) expectant crowd had long since got bored and left and by now there was Aqua Salsa going on in the pool. My misery was finally ended when my verruca sock ripped and I slipped and hopped arse over tea-kettle splitting my lip on the “No Petting” sign. “Turn it in Harrison” says Bernie “I think we’ve all seen enough”.