Every boozer wins

Since releasing the global smash hit ‘I got 99 problems but the bitch aint one’ Jay Z has been a firm favourite with my Nan and the rest of the South Mims kennel club. So when my agent Bernie Shimshelwitz managed to persuade the rapper to record a charity single for ‘Gamblers Anonymous’ with his other client Nick Berry I jumped at the chance to take Nan down to the recording studio. ‘Every loser wins’ had been a number one for Berry back in 1986 and Jay Z had agreed to throw out some rhyming couplets all over its arse (his words not mine.) I knew things weren’t right when Berry turned up half cut, according to Bernie he’d been drowning his sorrows after finding out that he was the only man in the country to have paid full price for a DFS sofa. I decided to stay well out of it and settled Nan down in the sound booth with a half finished Sudoku puzzle that happened to be lying around. Next thing I know all hell broke loose when a load of Jay Z’s crew burst in, guns everywhere whooping and rapping and getting right up in my grill (their words not mine.) Apparently the Sudoku puzzle (which Nan had now finished) belonged to Jay Z and “No Motherfucke* touches his stuff.” I honestly thought they were going to pop a cap in my dear old Nan’s arse but then Jay Z walked in all smiles and gave her a high ten. Apparently that Sudoku puzzle had been one of his 99 problems. “Thanks old timer” says Jay Z “that means I’ve only got 98 problems left to solve but at least my bitch aint one of them.” Everyone laughed and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I’d just seen Nick Berry getting off with his bitch in the bogs.