Cruising

I’m having a torrid time up here in Holyhead with Roger De Courcey and I think last night was the final straw. We had a night off from the show and De Courcey insisted that we jump in his Ford Capri and take in the local sights. Next thing I know he’s pulled up in a seedy car park full of Doggers. De Courcey’s well excited at this point and tells me that him and Bob Carolgees do this thing all the time. Before I have time to protest he’s out the Capri and sticking his head through the window of the Vauxhall Nova next to us. He was there for a good 30 minutes, I just sat in the Capri and listened to his Del Amitri CD. We drove back to our digs in silence. When we got back I’d been left a message to call my agent Bernie Shimshelwitz which was a welcome excuse for me not to have to go to De Courcey’s room for a can of Hoffmeister. I called Bernie and was quite glad to hear his voice, he told me that he had some good news and some bad news for me. The bad news was that I’d been cut from the new Harry Potter film. Apparently I’d upset JK Rowling by telling her that I thought that all her books were a bit ‘Samey’. Coltrane had agreed with me earlier in the day but when the shit hit the fan he was nowhere to be seen. I didn’t really warm to Rowling much, the first time I met her she’d just sued Jay Kay from Jamiroquoi for having the same name as her. She told me that she’d donated the £65,000 compensation to charity but the mink pelt balaclava she was wearing told a different story. Bernie’s good news was that he’d started a blog (he kept calling it a blob.) He wants me to do a testimonial for it, I’ll have a think. Anyway go and have a look:

http://www.theshimshelwitztouch.blogspot.com/

It’s bound to be interesting. I’ve got to go. De Courcey’s banging on my door; he wants to go ten pin bowling. I’m going to pretend I’m out.