Ape Vine

I’ve got to keep a low profile this weekend so I’ve decided to take myself off to Amsterdam for a few days. My agent Bernie Shimshelwitz is throwing a celebration bash at Gordon Ramsey’s club ‘YES/NO??’ for finally passing his Maths GCSE exam at the 56th time of asking (to be honest the examination board gave him an honorary ‘C’ grade to get him off their books.) As luck wouldn’t have it, I’m barred from ‘YES/NO??’ due to the fracas I was involved in last year. To cut a long story short I got into a proper rumble with Jeremy Vine and it all got a bit out of hand. Everyone knows that Jeremy Vine can’t handle his booze and by the time he’d necked his fourth snakebite he was staggering all over the shop and generally acting like a jerk. I happened to be on the periphery of a conversation that Vine had gate crashed between Judy Finnegan and Lorraine Kelly (I know!) All I did was inform the smug DJ that I was sure that him masturbating in the toilet on an easyjet flight to Prague didn’t gain him access to the mile high club. He went ape shit throwing punches like they were going out of fashion, then he tried to pull a roundhouse on me but caught ‘H’ from Steps right under the chin knocking the grin right off his face. Everyone was cheering apart from Bernie who told me that I’d made a mistake messing with one of the Vine brothers. We’ll see. Anyway, I’m Amsterdam bound. Wish me luck!