Gunnell's gusset and me

All this Olympic fever sweeping the nation has reignited my passion for athletics, so much so that I decided to enter the regional trials in the 110 metre hurdles. As a youth I was tipped to be a future Olympic champion but my dreams were shattered when I clipped a hurdle and got a splinter in my sack. I’ve never known a pain like it, Colin Jackson was there and I’ll never forget how hard he tried to get that splinter out. He mentions the incident in his autobiography saying: “I’d never seen a swelling like it. I tried my hardest to get that splinter out but no amount of squeezing was going to dislodge it. When I got home I cried.” With that splinter long since removed I turned up at the trials determined to prove that I still had that Olympian magic, the fact that I was nursing a slight cold meant nothing, I'd dosed myself up and I was well in the zone. My dear old Nan had washed my running kit the night before but when I opened my holdall it was obvious that she’d washed everything at a nuclear temperature and the shorts and singlet had shrunken so small that even action man would have had trouble getting into them. Things got even worse when I discovered that instead of packing my running shoes Nan had packed the pair of novelty clogs that I’d bought her back from Amsterdam. With my heat just about t start one of the Marshalls could see I was having a shocker and said I could use anything I liked from the lost property box. Two minutes later I was lining up with the other runners wearing a pair of cowboy boots, a ‘FRANKIE SAYS RELAX’ T shirt and a pair of Sally Gunnell’s old running knickers. I didn’t care how I looked, I ran a good race, finished second and got a PB only to be told by the Marshall that I’d been disqualified on two counts. Firstly for testing positive for Beechams and secondly for ‘exposing myself’ at the 30 metre mark. I must admit it did feel a bit draughty down there but I was too focussed to be concerned. I blamed my sniffles plus the loose gusset on Gunnell’s old gruds and the Marshall said I could take it to appeal if I wanted. I don’t think I’ll bother, to be fair I was off my head. I kept the cowboy boots.