The Man in the Iron Lung.

I thought I’d update those of you that have emailed me about my agent Bernie Shimshelwitz’s wellbeing after he was crushed under the weight of Bobby Crush’s baby grand piano last week. Unfortunately his condition has gone from critical to ludicrous after a bumble bee happened to find it’s way into his ward and sting him on his exposed big toe (with the exception of his bonce the only part of his body that wasn’t restricted by his full body cast (due to its fungal infection.)) Bernie’s intolerance to bee stings left him fighting for breath which meant the doctors had no other choice but to stuff his rigid body into an iron lung. The doctors on E wing had never had to cram a patient in a full body cast into an iron lung before and referred to the situation as a ‘double yolker’. It wasn’t long before the tabloids got wind of the story and were all over it, crowning Shimshelwitz ‘The second most unluckiest man in Britain’ (Gordon Brown was rock solid on pole.) Next thing we know the producer’s from Channel 5’s daily hospital based docusoap: ‘Don’t let me die here’ are all over Bernie’s story like a dose of scabies. Due to the fact that Bernie’s blinking communication system was shot to shit because his conjunctivitis had flared up I had no choice but to talk on his behalf. As the producers and I wrangled over a suitable fee for my voice talents I noticed that Bernie had managed to write ‘10%’ with his nose in the condensation on the viewing mirrors on his iron lung. Luckily, by the time Nadia Sawalha turned up to present the whole story the percentage had faded away. Get well soon Bernie.