Up your end Bobby!

I’ve just got back from visiting my agent Bernie Shimshelwitz at the hospital. It’s diagnosis ‘RIGID’ for Bernie unfortunately. He’s in a full body cast and only able to communicate by blinking: once for ‘yes’, twice for ‘no’, three times for ‘higher’ and four times for ‘lower’ (he’s a huge ‘Play your cards right’ fan.) Poor old Bernie, he’s had a shocker of a week, all he wanted to do was surprise his wife on their 30th wedding anniversary. Bernie and Mrs S met in a freak car accident. Bernie was driving the car and Mrs S was the freak, by which I mean that she worked for a travelling circus as the bearded lady. Their eyes met through the windscreen and Bernie never looked back (largely due to chronic whiplash.) They were married that very same summer and Bernie was true to his word and took Mrs S away from the circus and put her in the movies (she was Brian Blessed’s stunt double in Flash Gordon.) The silver screen just wasn’t for Mrs S as all she really dreamt of was to be able to play the piano like her childhood hero Bobby Crush, a dream that Bernie never forgot. It was that very same piano that Bernie Shimshelwitz successfully won in a tense Ebay auction last week (I’ve a hunch that Bobby Crush was bidding in order to drive up the price.) Anyway to cut a long story short, the piano was collection only and as Shimshelwitz and Crush were attempting to get the baby grand into the back of the Volvo, Crush’s weak wrists gave way (suspect) sending the piano crashing down, pinning Bernie between the tow bar and the key of ‘F’. By the time the ambulance men got there Bobby Crush was inconsolable, convinced that Bernie would be dishing out some negative ebay feedback. A cleanly shaven Mrs S got to the hospital just in time to see her beloved mummified. “Bernie you bloody fool” she cried “How many times do I have to tell you? I want to play keyboard like Rick Wakeman not Bobby Crush”. The room was silent. I looked into Bernie’s eyes, they blinked twice and I added the exclamation mark.