Scream if you wanna go faster!

I decided to take my dear old Nan up to London last weekend to spend some of the royalties I got from that Werther’s Original ad. What a day we had! We headed straight for Harrods to buy Nan a carrier bag and I treated myself to a pork terrine in the shape of Princess Di’s face (delicious). Then it was over to Madame Tussard’s where it took Nan a good hour to realise that the waxworks weren’t real. (I caught her babbling on to Alan Titchmarsh about her hydrangeas.) I’d promised my agent, Bernie Shimshelwitz, that I’d get my photo taken with Freddie Mercury. Bernie had worked with the Queen frontman back in the eighties on an exercise video and he was forever telling me what a personality he was; he says there was something totally infectious about the man. I really fancied going on the London Eye but when we got there Nan said she was going to opt out on account of her disliking of “the gypos that operate big wheels”. Fairdos. I propped her up against a wall and jumped on. It didn’t go as fast as I’d have liked and the cars didn’t rock but the view was cracking. It’s amazing how much cleaner London looks from the air. When I got off I couldn’t see Nan as she was surrounded by a load of people. Turns out that she’s fallen asleep standing up and the tourists thought she was a ‘living statue’, she’d drawn one hell of a crowd and earned 63 quid in the process. As she was doing so well I decided to leave her there for a bit and nipped into Maccy D’s for a fillet O’ Fish. 2 hours later we were on the train home £130 quid richer. Good work Nan.