Next!

As I’ve said before when you’re an artiste between jobs you need to keep occupied and add new strings to your bow. Earlier this year I decided I’d teach myself to play the tuba. After only two weeks practice my agent, Bernie Shimshelwitz, gets me on Britain’s Got Talent. He told me it was a doddle and it’s all about ‘exposure’. Anyway, I was only three bars in to The Floral Dance when Cowell gives it “No, no, no. For the love of God that’s awful.” Nerves got the better of me, my usual spontaneous wit deserted me, and I blew any chance of TV “exposure” when I blurted out “Come over here and say that you fat sh*t!” Onwards and upwards.