Keep bleeding it love.

Extreme Marketing # 2

Extreme Marketing #1

That's Showbiz!

Up until his sad demise in 2001, me and Ted Rogers shared the same agent. The Bin was with London Management. This business is messed up.

Merde alors!

This is the manhole I hurtled down on my unicycle in Paris, France. Needless to say I smekked my front teeth out on the way in, and had quite a time of it trying to convey my desire to gain compensation at a favourable Euro to Sterling exchange rate in my limited French. Slimy bastards.

Typical!

Last night Emily said she'd stay with me 'til the cows came home. You can just see her leaving in the silver car this morning. Bitch.

Watchyootawkinaboutwillis?

Todd Bridges used to play Willis in Diff'rent Strokes. Now he tours schools in the U.S talking about the dangers of drugs and the benefits of getting into shape....Something doesn't add up.

Every 'Piff, Paff, Poof" has a consequence

What really annoys me about magicians is that they never stop to think about where all the stuff they make disappear ends up. It's got to go somewhere. As this photo shows a fair bit of it ends up in my Nan's back bedroom. It's getting out of hand.

"Wait a goddam minute, this aint Tie Rack"

This is me running The London Marathon last year. I finished 2385th but would've been a lot faster if i hadn't got stuck behind that joker in the deep sea diver's outfit...and yes that is my cock hanging out.

One trick phoney

I had Uri Geller round my gaff for a dinner party in the mid nineties after which he insisted on doing the washing up. Just look what the smug fucker did to my favourite spoon! The knives and forks, however, were left completley intact. You do the Maths.

He'll be out by Christmas

If this character ever comes to your house and he's wearing a hat, don't let him in. Unfortunately I had to find this out the hard way.

Steady hand Bob 'Friend of the Watchmaker'

This is a picture of my good friend and golfing buddy Dr Bob. We first met back in 2003 when Dr Bob carried out an emergency removal of a hamster from my next door neighbour’s bum. We clicked straight away although we didn’t shake hands until our next meeting. The Hamster did not survive.

R.I.P Squidgy

squidgy in happier times.

R.I.P Frankie Fipps

Between 1993 and 1996 I was financially 'rolling in it' largely thanks to this man, my accountant, Frankie 'Nine Toes' Fipps. Frankie always claimed that he'd never 'cook' the books but rather 'flambe' them into a neat crepe shaped tax return. Frankie was a tradionalist and would only use an abacus and his fingers to calculate any sum which would often result in him having to use his nose to move the abacus beads. A great character, Frankie stunned us all in 1997 by dying. His funeral was attended by hundreds of his clients who had to be separated from the church by a police cordon after it was discovered that Frankie had taken most of our money and invested it heavily in cosmetic surgery on his feet. He took his abacus with him, along with 157 P45's

Nan Jam

Traffic experts traced the ripple effect backwards and discovered that this M25 jam was caused by my Nan breaking too "aggressively" in her shop mobility scooter in the food court at Bluewater.

Here's one of me meeting the Queen at number 10. I'm standing shoulder to shoulder with Primeminister Blair but I'm blocked from shot by that wreck of a woman from 'This Morning'. Did you know that President Blair was the only world leader that was allowed to tap dance on the Queen Mum's coffin.

Never the Twain

Father of American Literature and Des Lynam lookie likie Mark Twain, once wrote that "Golf is a good walk spoiled" because he was shit at it. Twain only started guffing over golf after he was rumbled for using a ladies putter which led to him being hoofed out of his country club. The popular American author took his revenge on golfsville by personifying his hatred for the game in the character of Injun Joe from his celebrated work ‘Huckleberry Finn‘. Injun Joe is fairly snidey and never talks about golf...never. ...

The only thing Meat Loaf won't do for love

Tips for dinner parties: # 2

If you're unfortunate enough to be sat next to a loudmouth at a dinner party, quietly and without warning pop a whole apple into their mouth mid sentence. This will not only silence and confuse the blathering guest but also create the atmostphere of a Tudor banquet.

God bless the Rabbit & Ladder

This is the Rabbit and Ladder pub where I first met my agent Bernie Shimshelwitz. He was a bit pissed and hit the bell behind the bar with a stray dart. Brendan the landlord immediately shouts for last orders even though it was only half-eight. 'That bell never lies' says Brendan. The same cannot be said for my agent however.

The Other Lansbury #1

Death Threats She Wrote...

A Cross To Bear

I want this put to bed once and for all; I do not and never have suffered from bad dress sense. Rather I, like many others, have had to take life one day at a time under the heavy burden of Hand-Me-Downes Syndrome. Thanks for listening.

My very own 'Day of Infamy'

All hell breaks loose at my local lido when the 'S' on my SPEEDO comes unstitched.

Tips for dinner parties: # 1

If you're ever at a dinner party and a middle class mum tells you just how clever, articulate and advanced baby Rufus is, remind her that he still shits himself and see where she stands on the subject after that.

This picture has it all.

I've always loved this picture. It's got everything; race, colour and Creed.

I love Rocky but I’ve always thought that there was something a bit fishy about the training techniques that Mickey employs to get Balboa into shape. Like when he gets rocky to try and round up all the chickens in his backyard. Surely stooping over, randomly running here and there lashing out like a hunchback on a trolley dash has no bearing on any performance in the ring. It’s almost as if that morning Mickey’s landlord came round and said:
“Listen mate this chicken situation’s getting out of hand, get it sorted pronto or you’re out tonight.”
Mickey’s thinking: ‘There’s no way I’m getting involved with these chickens, I can’t stand ‘em’
“ROCKY!”.
Rocky ambles in with dusters on his hands and knees from where he’s been involved in some ‘intensive training’ on all fours on Mickey’s parquet flooring.
“What is it Mickey?”
“If you wanna beat Creed you’re gonna have to be able to deal with chickens. Now go round ‘em up.”
“Okay Mick Shall I do it before or after I clean out the guttering?”

The same thing happens in The karate kid where Mr Miyagi trains the kid up by making him carry out menial jobs like painting a fence and washing a car. Miyagi tells the kid that undertaking these dullard tasks means he will gain the skills that will allow him to avoid a good pasting down the dojo. The truth of the matter is that the sneaky Jap was actually getting the gullible teen to do his community service for him. Snide.